You went out drinking often with your ex boyfriend from college. Right after you moved to New York you found out he lived not too far and decided to pursue a post romantic friendship with a guy who used to make you cry a lot. Beautiful logic and basically perfect interpersonal decision. One night over drinks, he told you that Budlight was accepting submissions for a contest called Whatever, USA. You had to submit a 6 second video answering what you would bring with you if you were selected to go. After just 3 beers - you were certain you would win.
You came back to your apartment and recorded the video. In the video, you said you would bring socks, a used condom (which was a plastic bag filled with lotion), and your wedding dress from your "first marriage" (you were never married). Prompted by a ringing sound effect, you answered a plugged in hot iron like it was a telephone. Of course, you won the contest.
You completely forgot about it. Months later you were at an open mic, waiting your turn to go up. You scrolled through your e-mails and saw the acceptance announcement. You had 48 hours to select a partner to go with you and fill out your required information for boarding the flight.
You panicked and texted every woman you knew in NYC. None of them were up for Whatever. They were all skeptical, nervous, and unsure of what the fuck you were talking about. And they all deeply regretted not going with you after seeing your instagram posts.
You ended up bringing your ex boyfriend, which seemed like the right idea at the time because he was the one who told you about the contest. What could possibly top the definition of "up for whatever" more than allowing your ex to have a good time with you?
He agreed to go. You met early in the morning and shared a cab to LaGuardia airport. When you arrived, all of the destination boards simply listed your flight as "Whatever, USA". You had no clue where you were headed but you knew it would be a land full of free beer and swag. When you boarded the flight, you were greeted with exactly that.
Whispers of the destination location echoed through the economy section of the plane. Whatever, USA winners speculated the flight was headed near Denver, Colorado - apparently someone on Reddit spilled the beans. Sure enough, you landed in Denver and took a shuttle to Crested Butte, Colorado. As the bus rolled in, you stared in complete awe at the scenery, which looked like it was straight out of a Getty Images search for "beautiful majestic mountains".
The bus pulled up to your hotel. You got your room card and VIP wristband which the Budweiser employees informed you would give you access to unlimited beer and food all weekend. They told you to put away your things quickly, head to the hotel ballroom to select some party clothes, and quickly get changed to go to the opening event - a Lil Jon concert.
You found a pair of very tight silver leggings and were very ready to Get Low. You and your ex headed to the concert area. He was already being a bit detached which barely surprised you. Earlier in the hotel room he made sure to let you know he would be sleeping on the tiny couch, even though only a couple of weeks earlier you had rebuffed his advances in your own apartment after a night of drinking. This seemed to be a weird and unnecessary power move on his end. You accepted at this point that he was going to be unwilling to have a good time, and you were determined to have fun on your own in spite of his grumpy ass.
You moved to the very front of the Lil Jon concert with your Budlight bag full of beer cans in tow. You wondered how this huge crowd could party like this for so long and never pee. Was everyone just...wearing adult diapers? What was the deal with these bladders of steel? You had to leave twice during the event in urinary desperation to a decent restroom at a local Crested Butte bar. You were still able to worm your way to the front each time you came back. And that last time, a guy started grinding on your shiny silver booty.
When Lil Jon exited the stage, the grinding guy whispered in your ear "Let's get out of here" and tried to kiss you. You politely said, "No thank you sir." and like a true gentleman, he replied "Well fuck you then, bitch!!!"
You continued to frolic about until a dozen or so Budlights brought you down - you took the bus back to the hotel where you fell asleep alone in the large bed while your emotionally distant and overly analytical ex boyfriend slept on a very tiny couch 20 feet away. You wondered why you didn't just simply come alone instead of having some guy sleeping on a tiny couch near you.
The next day he seemed to have turned over a new leaf. He was energetic and ready to attack the event, the day, and possibly even be a good friend to you. You got breakfast and explored the hotel and surrounding forest. You took an oddly pleasant sky lift together up a mountain, enjoying the stunning views together.
That was not the only time you enjoyed a stunning view together. Only a couple months earlier the two of you did shrooms at Coney Island and stared into the sunset from the boardwalk. You walked towards the sand and dug your toes and hands in and after what felt like years, looked deeply into each others eyes with tears rolling down your cheeks, It was hard to believe that a couple of humans could go from a moment like that to fighting on a bus on the way back to the Whatever, USA main campus but that is exactly what happened next.
The fight happened because you tried to play a drinking game called Green Glass Door with him. He was very mad that he could not figure out what was behind the Green Glass Door. It ruined his night, but not yours.
You managed to acquire a bud light Lime-a-Rita bikini and attended a hot tub party DJed by Q Tip. You met some locals in the hot tub who invited you back to their house, where they smoked you up and let you pet their huge mountain dogs. You stumbled back to the hotel by foot and found your ex boyfriend curled up like a scared baby on the tiny couch.
"Are you going to the Whatever USA prom?" you asked him.
He shrugged. You saw he was texting the girl he dumped you for way back in college. You couldn't believe he was still texting her even though she was engaged and living in a different country. He mentioned something about how he was creeped out by the corporate nature of the event and he was wanting to spend more time in the woods.
You couldn't believe the guy who told you about this event and who willingly agreed to come upon your invitation was now being truly the wettest blanket of all time. It is as if someone took a blanket and soaked an entire ocean in it, and the blanket had no hope of ever resembling being a regular dry blanket ever again. He was the worst and you wanted him gone but instead you encouraged him to meet you at the prom and to get over his bullshit.
He didn't. You went to prom, danced with some strangers, rode on a carousel while drinking a cold blue can. You looked around and saw friends and couples enjoying their sponsored good time. You enjoyed yours, by yourself and you knew that's all you needed and would ever need.
As prom wrapped up and glow sticks littered the ground, you headed back to the busses to find a seat and waited to head back and more than anything, you deeply hoped he wouldn't be in the room and you could be alone in your air conditioned, comfortable, soft hotel room just like you were in that very moment. Instead, you came back to find him with a styrofoam container full of hot wings on the small table in front of his tiny couch that represented his stubborn shitty male ego.
You laughed and then you drunkenly flung open the mini fridge and cracked opened a cold beer harder than you ever have in your life.
"What is wrong with you?" you said.
He looked genuinely scared.
"No seriously. I won this contest. This is my hotel room. I invited you. You said yes. And you're acting like some kind of lame tiny couch prisoner."
He shrugged. You farted.
"Get out." You said this coldly, without hesitation.
He looked at you flatly and said nothing. Soaking wet blanket.
"I'm going to the pool. I want you gone when I am back."
You walked out into to the pool and dipped your toes in while drinking your beer. You came back and he was still there but packing his stuff.
"Listen" you said. "Sorry. Stay I guess. I wish you weren't here but it's not fair for me to kick you out now. Just stay. But I want you gone in the morning before I wake up. And I want to never speak to you ever again and I really mean that."
The tiny couch was the opposite of this entire concept of whatever. He was being closed off, judgmental, and unwilling to let loose. You were being open and would have been content to do that all on your own. Why did you let someone tag along when you could have just ventured out into the Budlight abyss on your own? It was all fear. Fear of being incapable of having a good time alone - but this fear was successfully conquered and you had tiny couch ex boyfriend to thank for that.
You are always up for whatever and you don't need anyone else to validate that.