2017. Start of a new year, and time to direct some traffic to my website so I can get ad clicks and views. Any publicity is good publicity. Sponsored by Third Love bras.
Well, what will this be about? Something having to do with comedy, yes. Comedy is great except for when it makes people mad and sad and they go home to their computers and they do exactly what I am doing now BUT WITH ALL CAPS. And, sometimes, to be a little passive aggressive, in italics. I notice many people like to blog, and they like to get comedians in trouble for tweets. It's scary!
Words can ruin lives.
I do sometimes fear that someone will find a tweet I wrote on the toilet and it will ruin my life and career. Like something vaguely unintentionally racist or sexist but all I meant to say was, well nothing because I was just peeing and tweeting, passing the time and letting my life flush by. All my friends would stop associating themselves with me all because of a tweet from 2012.
This is me holding a very cute baby. I removed her face to protect her from the cruel internet, full of hateful trolls.
You can't live your life in fear though, and that's why I'm writing this blog post instead of cleaning my room. I could be calling my mother, but instead, I'm going to blog. AND I'M GOING TO HAVE VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY. Why? Because I went to college and they taught me what to be angry about and all the big fancy ivy league words to simplify the complex world we live in.
Antidisestablishmentarianism in comedy is a big problem. Why? Good question. I think? Penis privilege. If you have a penis, you're more likely to pee standing up. Therefore, I'm going to start peeing standing up in 2017, and I would like to challenge other women to also do this, or not to do it. Women have the right to choose.
How do I end this blog post? There is nothing worth writing or reading in this blog post. It took me like 15 minutes to write. I'm not wearing pants. I might reheat some leftover spaghetti and get ready to clean my room now.